This is a sponsored series.
In light of National Adoption Awareness month in November, I will be sharing our adoption story/stories over a series of posts each week, with permission from my husband. I will start by explaining what I mean when I say “we are expecting…maybe”. The second week I will post the story of our first adoption. The following week I will post about our second adoption. The final two weeks I will post adoption resources, provide helpful information/tips, and answer some questions raised via comments in the previous weeks! Stay tuned each week to gain a bit more insight into the adoption process and how our family came to be.
This series is sponsored by Grady, Hayes, & Neary, LLC Attorneys at Law in Waukesha, WI.
It’s Hard to Control the Excitement. Claire waited years for a family to call her own. Her new parents waited almost as long for a child to help complete their family. Then Grady, Hayes & Neary stepped in to bring them together. Over the years, we have helped build thousands of families through adoption. We also offer unique expertise in cases of guardianship, surrogacy, paternity, child custody and foster care. For more information on our services, call us today at 262-347-2001 or visit www.ghnlawyers.com.
Week Four: Adoption Story Q&A
In this week’s post I would like to address some of the frequently asked questions I have gotten in response to the articles in weeks 1-3 and throughout our adoption journey. However, if you think of any other questions, please ask them in the comments, and I will respond. In case you missed the first three articles you can read about them by clicking on the links below:
Do your kids know that they are adopted?
Yes they do. From very early on we talk about adoption. Our four year old says, “I came from [birth mother’s name] belly and mommy’s heart. He knows that no baby ever grew in mommy’s tummy. We don’t want someone else to accidentally be the ones to break it to our children that they are adopted on accident. Also, we don’t want our children to remember some big sit-down moment when they learned they were adopted. We hope they know they are adopted just like they know they are boys, naturally and organically.
Why don’t you do closed adoptions?
There are not many closed domestic adoptions anymore. Legally, all adoptions, once finalized, are closed per se, but most have a “gentleman’s agreement” to leave the door open in various ways. Some people have the birth parents very involved, some allow yearly visits, some do letters and pictures, some share pictures on a website and some do nothing but still have an open adoption. It’s nice to have the openness available. For example, when Brooks had his adenoids out, we were able to message the birth mother and ask if a history of reacting to anesthesia ran in the family. We set up a website to share photos with the birth mothers. We go off of their lead. If we can feel them backing off, we don’t push photos. If they ask, we give updates. It’s felt very natural for us. Again, every situation is unique.
[This one is rough and I only heard it once] So…is that one [Quinton] yours and the other one [Brooks] adopted?
Some people say things I just will never understand. However, giving them the benefit of the doubt, one of our children looks just like their dad (blue eyes, blonde hair and left handed) and one does not. So…how did I answer? I said, “Thanks for asking, they are actually both ours and both adopted.”
Did you get to name your children?
Yes, we did. Name picking was so fun and important to us. We chose semi-unique names with a lot of meaning. We liked sports a lot too and the boys are QB (quarterback) for Quinton and Brooks. Brooks was named, in part, after Robert Brooks, one of my favorite Packer players. (Although Al will tell you he’s named after famous Buccanear, Derrick Brooks.) However, Robert Brooks signed a picture for Brooks that says, “nice name”. Quinton’s middle name “Charles” is after my Grandfather whom I admire very much. Quinton’s second middle name is “Nikolai” after his birth mother’s grandfather. Brooks’ middle name, “Albert” is after my husband’s father Albert, who we wanted to honor.
How often do you keep in touch with the birth mothers? What is their involvement?
Refer to my answer above in the question about ‘closed adoptions’.
Have you heard anything on baby #3 yet?
Nope still nothing. You will hear when we do 😉 I did hear that our profile went out to 5 birth mothers in the month of October and our website profile was viewed 110 times.
How did you choose adoption (over other means to a baby)?
We always wanted to adopt. We just thought it would be after we had one or two biological children. Biology didn’t work for us. We were 100% unable to conceive. Other means (sperm or egg donation, surrogate situations, embryo adoption) didn’t align with our beliefs and where we felt God was leading, so we chose adoption, which we already wanted to do anyway.
Will you adopt more kids after baby #3?
We are pretty sure after #3 we will be done with babies. However, we will be open to one day down the line adopting an older child from foster care. But we will make sure to not interrupt the birth order in our family if we can. So that is a ways down the road. I have a big heart for kids in foster care who are getting close to 18 and have not been adopted. It breaks my heart that when they turn 18 they have no solid family unit.
How much did your adoptions cost?
Without getting into specifics, our adoptions have ranged from about $15,000 to $25,000 each so far. That includes the agency fee, the home study, legal fees, birth parent counseling and other fees associated with adoption. Our 3rd adoption may contain an element of travel that our first two did not. Luckily, there is a tax refund that has allowed us to continue to adopt. We received around $13,000 refund for each adoption, which really helped us. You can read more on the adoption tax credit (and its limitations) here. Not everyone qualifies and not all people qualify for the full amount. We haven’t gone into debt over adoption and I stay-at-home, so God has certainly provided.
What other options are there for people who don’t have the money needed to adopt?
There is financing available. There are also adoption grants online you can apply for. You could run a gofundme campaign. If your heart is open to fostering or fostering to adopt, that program is generally covered by the state at no cost to you. Fostering has its pros and cons. I will get more into the differences next week.
What is the average wait time for a domestic newborn baby through an agency?
It’s hard to say. Like I’ve said, every person’s adoption story is unique. Some people were only in the wait for 2 days and were matched. Some 7 years. Some…never. I think two years seems about average, but I’ve not conducted any research in this matter.
What advice do you have for parents making their profile books?
Take your time putting together your “package”. Whether it’s an electronic copy or hard copy, put a lot of thought and time into the words and pictures you choose. Be yourself. Some of the reasons the birth parents chose us were very personal things about us – that showed through in our profiles. Remember your audience and be sensitive to them – you aren’t trying to make a business transaction – you are dealing with a life-altering decision in a person’s life, to choose adoption for their child. Be understanding and kind. Put yourself in their shoes. Don’t just write to the birth mother, write to both the birth mother and birth father. Use technology – some agencies allow you to post a video or link to a website. Oh, and start taking some family/couple photos without holding beer or wearing sunglasses – ha!
Why are you sharing your story now?
When we first researched adoption, we were such newbies. We thought closed adoptions were still popular, we didn’t know what a home study was and we had no idea what it cost. In fact, when we adopted Quinton, we went off Facebook completely. Now, by our 3rd adoption, we are out in the open. That is because we have a heart and passion for adoption. We’ve seen the ups and downs and know how amazing it can be.
We want others to know that adoption is do-able. It’s affordable. It is life-changing. It is amazing. We want to shine light on the miracles God has worked through our lives. He turned our TEST (being unable to conceive) into our TESTIMONY (our family that was always meant to be). We aren’t perfect, we don’t have all the answers, and we aren’t adoption experts. We are just real people, sitting behind a computer writing this, as our boys nap in peace after a morning of playing in the leaves.
Next week I will provide some resources about adoption. I will explain the difference between adoption, foster care, etc and give those of you interested in learning more a place to start! I’ll also give some tips on how to help someone you know through the adoption wait and the ups and downs.
Check out the earlier articles in this series:
We are expecting maybe – Week 1, click here to read
Meeting our Miracle – Week 2, click here to read
Adoption Again…Heartbreak and Hope – Week 3, click here to read
